I'm gonna keep on dancing.
It’s been a while. I wish I had a better excuse for why I haven’t shared in over a month, but it truly was just because of life. Life has surprised me in many ways and stopped me in my tracks. There was a lot of coming and leaving, endings and beginnings, hellos and goodbyes. I feel like time is moving so fast and I find myself trying to catch up with life and its changes, but it just keeps going and my list of things-to-do just keeps getting longer. I feel myself changing—growing—and it’s uncomfortable but I know this is always for the better. I stopped fighting change a long time ago. There is no point in fighting the inevitable. Instead, I flow with it. I make room for it to make itself comfortable since it is a visitor that will keep coming until the end of my existence. This room that I built for change is warm. It has its windows open. It is cozy, with a lot of space to move and pivot. And there is a chair where I sit and listen when change starts to speak. I make sure that I am open when it does start to speak—open ears, open eyes, open hands, open arms, open heart, open mind, open soul. I find that change brings both darkness and light, and I find that both are necessary to create a room that is alive. The darkness has always made me aware of the wounds that are still healing (or perhaps some that have been untouched or even re-opened), and the light is what seeps through the cracks to illuminate the healing. It is okay to be hurt and healing at the same time. We can do both. It sounds hard but we can do hard things. We don’t always have to wrap our wounds in rose-coloured gauze. It’s okay to bleed, it’s a reminder that you are alive.
The past month’s highlights:
Did pilates at Equinox with Benny. It was so fun and I met amazing people.
Saw Allah-Las and Levitation Room live. I’m glad to finally be going to shows again, just like when I was in my late teens.
Started taking acting classes again. It’s good to be back and honing my craft again.
Been attending events and workshops. I love listening to people talk about their passions and share their stories. I feel so inspired and touched after. Plus, I’ve been meeting amazing people who have motivated me to keep going.
Been on set a lot. I always feel so fulfilled after. That’s how I know this is what I want to do for most of my life.
Started making art again. I have my scrapbook and I have been making physical zines. I’m also getting back into drawing and painting. I feel so at home. I can’t wait to share what I’ve been working on.
Nico turned 5 in May. I’ve never seen him so excited about a cake. I love him so much.
This song sounds like what growth feels like. In September last year, I felt this shift happen in myself and my life, and when my friend Bessie shared this song with me, I resonated with it. It reminded me of when I welcomed the expansion it takes to really step into the person I wanted to become—always growing, always letting go and letting life flow. I want to live a life with deeper meaning, deeper purpose, deeper love, more acceptance, more surrender. And that takes discipline; it takes really taking care of yourself, forgiving yourself, loving yourself through it all.
The degree to which we can grow is in direct proportion to the amount of truth we can accept about ourselves with grace, with compassion, without running away. I'm not sure who wrote that line but this has been a theme in my life the past month. Recently I made a mistake, a big one. I'm not proud of it and I'm doing everything in my power to rectify it and hold myself accountable without bringing myself down. I'm not perfect and I'm figuring it out as I go, but I've never felt so human. I've hurt people (including myself) because of my actions and I wish I could turn back time but I can't. I find that all I can do is accept that I made a mistake, take responsibility and apologize as necessary, but also make space for compassion and empathy for myself. I'm also really learning that two things really can coexist. You can accept a mistake and take accountability, but still extend compassion and forgiveness to yourself. At first, I wondered if I was wrong for holding myself instead of punishing her, but I have now learned that I am simply showing up for myself with tenderness and with love. Perhaps I have finally learned that doing better starts with love. You can't make the changes required to become a better person if you start from a place of judgment. A healthy plant only grows in soil that is nurtured and never in concrete. You have to be honest with yourself, take responsibility, but also create a space with kindness, understanding and compassion. That is the only way. I am watching myself learn and grow in real time and I feel loved by me. I still have a long way to go, but I am giving myself the time--to re-evaluate, to learn, to express myself with tenderness. All I know is, I am here for myself and I am not going anywhere. I will confront her with honesty and love, I will hold her accountable with compassion, and together we will take steps closer to the person we know we are and could be. I forgive her and I trust her, and I will love her through it all.This song sounds like it was written by my 17-year-old self. I remember the moment I saw the surrender in my parents’ eyes when I told them that I love them but I can’t not be myself—that no matter what it takes, I will make art and keep pursuing the life I envision for myself even if they disapprove. It hasn’t been easy but everytime I visit them and they ask about how acting is going and when I hear my relatives ask me about the creative projects I’ve done recently, I know I did the right thing. And I will keep going. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I see myself as a 10 year old. She is looking up at me with sparkle in her eyes. I do it for her. I am going to be someone my 10 year old self will look up to. Beside her is my future self. She’s looking at me with pride, faith and a smile. She’s already there. I do it for her. I am going to be her and I will keep going.
I will leave you with this. I have been listening to this song non-stop. It puts me in such a great mood. I listen to it while I walk my dog and dance to it in my room. I can’t wait to dance to 60s and 70s classics and jazz with friends at the park while the sun sets. Life is starting to feel warm and full again, and I am feeling like I am transforming into a version of myself who is dedicated to doing and being better. I love her already.
I hope you’ve been okay. And if you’re not, know you will be.
‘Till next time!
